The Fake Nerd Podcast: One Year On

I originally wrote this for the newsletter, but I figured I wanted it to exist as it’s own standalone piece.

With everything that was going on in LA, I almost forgot that last week was the anniversary of our final episode. Because I was feeling nostalgic, I decided to rewatch parts of that episode, namely the end. I feel much the same as I did then, but I’ve also become more aware of what I want and how that show made me feel.

Ending the podcast was not an easy decision. It basically ruled my life for almost eight years. But by the end, it just wasn’t fun anymore. We were fighting on and off camera a lot. In fact, while ending the podcast was a mutual decision that we all agreed was for the best, the reason it happened was because of a very big fight. I won’t go into details, but that fight dramatically altered my relationships with my friends. I tend to write pretty dramatically, but I don’t mean to say that we’re not friends anymore. I love those three, and we’re still friends. Hell, I’m writing this after coming home from a party at Sam’s house (happy birthday to his daughter Mabel). I still love talking to them about movies, comics, and TV shows, and I hope to do it for years to come. Just not in that format again.

I was very vocal about not enjoying how the pandemic changed our podcast format. But that was just adding to an already-forming problem. It had become more of a chore and people began getting frustrated with the format, or the topics, or the work that went into it, or just how often we recorded. It was a lot of work and gave us very little in return. But I thought that it was the only “job” in my life that made me happy. Look, I tried for years to be very open on the podcast about my mental health struggles, and after the podcast, I decided to not be open about it anymore, but this next part is important. What I didn’t realize is that I was forming new trauma scars. New triggers, that I’ll be recovering from for many years. I suspect that will make some people reading this sad, but I’m sure it’s not something they don’t already know.

I know what this sounds like. No, not everything was bad. Truthfully, much of it was good. I don’t miss the podcast so much as I miss those memories because when it was good, it didn’t feel like a podcast. It felt like very good friends hanging out and having fun. Things like, pranking Ben on the Christmas specials, laying on Sam’s couch as we recorded our third podcast for the day, or going to the movie together and then talking about it after. Not to mention the great interviews we did or the friends we made because of the Podcast. The best memories were when we were together in the same place, sharing our joy.

In the year that’s passed, I think I’ve come to terms and become happy with the decision to end it. I finally believe it was the right move and I have no real desire to podcast anymore. I have found other ways to put my voice out there and “scratch that itch” as they say. I was always far too emotional anyway, so debating was very hard for me and I took it personally almost every time. I want to focus on sharing the things I like or don’t like, rather than debating why I do.

Ryan, Sam, and Ben are some of the most passionate, talented, and creative people I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. I’m grateful that we did the podcast together for so long and I know that they have a desire to keep creating. I hope that they do because I would love to see it. For me, I’m happy to be doing what I’m doing now and rebuilding my friendships with the other Fake Nerds.